Musings

Hmm... this got stuck in draft, for some reason- was written back in May, so I'll put it up now, and then add the "today" entry so at least they're in order-written... or not, it wont let me do the order grrrr. Oh well!

Been a while since I've updated here, I guess I'll just put it down to "too much happening in life, to write about it all", or something. There are definitely times when I feel a need to write, and others that will just wait while I process and let things percolate; there have been several events that I'd put in the latter category, in the past few months. In fact I'm not really sure what I'm wanting to say about some of them, but I am feeling some need to write... so I'm gonna babble, lol. If you don't want to read babble, skip this; I will also note, but make no apology for, the tenses and pronoun shifts in the writing. Some are to the world, and some are addressed to a specific someone, and she knows who she is ;)


My darling and I have been together twice, since I last posted here; I flew to her, and we spent time in big tubs, making fantasies come true; binding her in shabari ropes, fucking her while my cock was wrapped in beads, pissing on each other, spanking and candles and all manner of sexy play.

The second trip, we shared a drive to distant cities. Beach walking, tears, and lots of "just holding", and attempts at pampering and caring-for, and dealing with very difficult emotions.

I'll be flying to her again, in a couple of weeks, to do my best to give her support and love, and to let her know I'm with her, for her, on her side at all times.

And as I'm writing, I think I'm figuring out why I needed to do so; it's because I want to let her know- let YOU know- that yes- I love, <3, am thrilled by our explorations in sex, sexuality, sensuality; I am fascinated by our learning about each other, and what I learn of myself in our relationship; I like being able to tell you things I've never confessed to *anyone*- and sometimes, not even myself- (Yes darling, I'm brave enough now to say out loud, right here, I'm interested in MMF sex, too- I want to explore that more, with you, and yes- I get turned on by remembering that you watched me lick and fondle a cock, and receive a blowjob as you held me).

But, despite all that, or maybe because of, or alongside, or whatever- it's the tears that you shed, and shared with me, that I could kiss, and taste. It's the hitch in your voice, and in your breathing, that you allowed me to hear; it's the trust you give to me, to be vulnerable with me, that deeply, totally moves and thrills me.

Trust in another is a wonderful thing, and to be given that level of trust, from you, is a gift that I cherish, and I am grateful for it; and despite any bad-times that are happening, the simple knowlege that you reach out to me, knowing that I'm going to love and care and listen and be your ear and your rock is the most profound gift you've given me, in all the plethora of gifts from you.

I've said these things before, I know- and probably just as badly expressed as here, but I'm not writing this in "edit mode"; no, this is "heart-mode", and I hope and pray you understand what I mean, and that you know you have me, as I have you; that you are my treasure and delight, and a constant source of joy, even when times are sad and hard and distant.

My darling, I love you so much, and want so badly for your happiness, that I can feel an ache inside me *for* you to have that; and I know that you're aware of my own feelings of "inadequacy" for "helping", (cuz I'm a guy, lol)... I do also want you to know that I'm more than pleased to just listen and be your sounding board, too.

Love you, more than ever, more than I can say, more than you even know-
D-

More randomnesseses

I've been having lots of random swirly thoughts and fantasies, lately- and decided I need to put 'em here...
I want to lick and suck and drink of my lover's pussy, as she bleeds, to have my red-wings more... makes me squirmy loving melt, to know that she wants that too.

I felt her fucking my ass again the other night, deeply and gently, lubed up and slow, and stretching me, and can't wait til she can do that in person-for-real, mmmphf.


I <3 the feeling of her pissing on me. The heated splash of her stream is intoxicating, and when she shares with me that she's full-up, and going to piss on me "hard".. all i can do is wriggle, and try to keep my sudden hard-on from being visible, lol.

I shared with her, a fantasy, based on a photo she sent me-  which made me blush brightly, eeps... told her that i wanted to see her giving a foot-job to her hubby... with her pretty polished toes, on his hard cock... dang. That's hot.

Yesterday- or today? lol, can't remember... was waking up slowly, and had those drifty langorous thoughts... and was thinking, how exciting it would be to have time at the water, skinny-dipping, with both my wife, and lover, and how exciting that would be... water, heat, sun, skin... mmmphf, yummy.

Random Sex-thinks :)

1. I really want to fuck my lover while she's on her period again; we both <3 that so much, and she's got it now, and I want to feel it again.

2. Along with the fucking, I like to give her oral, the taste is much muskier than otherwise (note, I can't say "normal", cuz it's just as normal for us to be together @ period as not!!) and it's thicker, kinda.

3. I had a wonderful dream of an FFM threesome, an amazing time; I want that.

4. I want an MMF, as well- I want to feel how tight she is, when I'm inside her at the *same* time another cock is filling her.

5. I think of sex and sexuality a LOT, lately- Maybe I'm having a second adolescence? I don't know... but I sure do have fun fantasizing!

6. Someday, I want to get to the beach with my love, when it's not cold and we can spend time together, just hanging out and swimming and wading, and be naked in the sun together. With or without others, lol!

7. I need to spank her ass again, and I think she's needing it too. Then I'm going to sooth it with lotion, and cuddle her close and kiss the tears away, and love her.

Emos

There's an interesting mixture of emotions going on inside me today. I'm feeling lonely, yet loved & close; I'm feeling sad on behalf of a friend that has a lot to deal with right now, but happy that she's doing okay, overall. I'm feeling very restless, as if there's something more that I need, or want- but don't have a clue what it might be.

I feel... that I want MORE, I guess- I'm having one of those middle-aged moments, lol, when I look around my life, and wonder where it all came from: "Can this really be my life?"

Well, I'm not so immature that I don't know it is my life- and overall, mostly, I'm content with it. That's not to say there aren't things I'd change, if I could- distance and time, come to mind instantly. I'd love to be a lot further south and a bit west. Well, ideally, further south and on a coast, but I'd settle for a bit west anyway.

I would like to be 'grown up' enough to not have to worry if a car breaks, if a home repair comes up unexpectedly- but I'm also 'grown up' enough to know that if we hadn't had such a tumultuous year, that would be the case... and that it's temporary. Maybe, I'm wishing I wasn't grown-up enough to know that, lol!

I guess, I'm just at loose ends, and missing someone deeply, and sometimes that's reality too.

Dreaming-

For a long time, I didn't remember my dreams; and still find it's rare, compared to many people that seem to remember dreams every day. Lately, however, in the past year or so I guess, I've been remembering more and more of them. At least, of the sexier ones, anyway. Maybe that's why, I'm dreaming more fun so it's easier to remember? I don't know, guess it could be that... but I wanted to share a dream, I had last night.

I'd been looking around at different sites, and then spent a long time working on a couple of photos, which I find exciting; they're pics that my lover let me take, and she's beautiful- so when I get the opportunity, I enjoy doing things we've talked about with them, playing with photoshop and such.

Well, last night I was extremely tired, had had a long day, so when I did get to bed, I fell right out fast, and deep. But, at some point, I did dream...

I found myself in a photo studio, of some kind. It was a large room, with various props and backgrounds here and there, and a couple of people; one was my lover, wearing a long robe, wrapped in it; it was purple and silk shiny, and she looked cozy; the other, was a woman I'd never seen before, who was wrapped in a pink silkrobe, and the two of them were standing next to a chaise lounge. That was covered in velvet, the deep red color; behind the lounge, was a faux window, with bright lights shining against it, so the beams from the light looked like sunshine falling across the lounge.

I told the two of them to arrange themselves on the edges of the chaise, laying back side by side, and open the robes as they did- so they were laying on them, as if they'd just fallen away while they were talking.

As they did that, I started using my camera, and snapping some pictures of them arranging, helping each other adjust the material, seeing the softness of their skin beginning to appear from beneath the robes; both were tan, and both were gorgeous, and both were wearing sheer negligees in matching white, with lace around hems.

I had them turn, to snuggle closer, and wrap their arms around one another; "lift your leg over hers, so you're starting to look like you're going to roll onto her"... moving easily, obviously comfortable with one another, they moved here & there, shifting and holding; occasionally, I'd direct them to kiss each other, lips to lips, lips to breast, lips to navel; sometimes, they'd slip extra movements in, extra kisses or languorous touches, playing and enjoying themselves.

As time passed, they became less and less interested in the photographs, and more and more interested in each other, though; the shine of spit on an erect nipple, all hard and crinkled and darkening, as it glowed in the light from the window, entranced my love, and she spent time toying with that, drawing with her tongue against  the erect bumps;

Now and then, I'd get a look, a sultry-heated look of deep promise, and I had to adjust myself, as they played and I shot and we all got aroused. Then, some whispers, some kisses along an ear, little demands, little gifts, and they both paused, and rolled to face me; and both of them lifted a hand, and beckoned me to them; as I stepped near, they swung up and around, so they were sitting side by side on the edge of the lounge, with me standing before them.

Four hands reached out, and with giggles and play-slaps of fingertips, they unbuckled my belt, unzipped, unsnapped, undid, and let my pants fall; pointing down silently, so I knelt, they removed my shirt; then, each tugging an arm, they drew me onto the chaise with them, kicking at my pants to get them over my ankles.

It was close quarters, but the three of us managed to squirm around and find comfortable positions, and we all three began kissing, caressing, hands exploring, mouths questing. I had a pussy in each hand, at one point, middle fingers deep inside and feeling heated juices, lips spread and swollen, as they laughed and did "kegel, in unison" on my finger...

I drew my lover's head down, and the two of us lay across soft silky thighs, taking turns licking at her wet pussy, then kissing each other across her mound and swollen clit; we shifted and reversed, and I was kissing the other woman in the same position, tasting my love's sweetness and feeling her aroused heat on the skin of my face...

I woke about then, and found I was hard and leaking in my sleep, with that little buzz that comes from being turned on as I sleep, and wished that I could roll over and get right back into that dream, and finish it...

Some randomness

Just because I feel like it, some things that have crossed my mind in the past few days...

1. I like the feeling of orgasming when it's so intense that I can feel her pussy clenching around my cock, milking the cum from the depth of my balls- over the phone.

2. There is something sweetly special, about having someone that will let me love and care for her.

3. I wish my ears would just SHUT THE FUCK UP, some days the ringing is so intense and loud, I think I'm going to go insane.

4. See number three.

5. It's a really cool thing, to rediscover a song or an artist that you've neglected for a while, and to be able to listen to your heart's content.

6. I'm never going to grow up. No matter what the calendar says.

7. Playing with photo shop is an outlet that I really enjoy a lot, but I also wish I was better at it.

8. I wish we'd gone to the nude beach more often, this summer.

9. I haven't been flying in way to long, I miss it.

10. How come in my house, it's impossible for the TV to be turned OFF, if you can turn it on when you walk into a room, what's the hard part about off when you leave?

11. It's October, and time for boobie-thon! Go and check it out, here, and make a contribution :)

Thinking about Sex & Perceptions

Earlier today, I was texting with my wife, and she made a comment that "I've been willing but you're not interested lately."

Cue the SMS equivalent of "Hunh??"

I had mentioned a couple times, lately, that she's been less interested in sex, in the past while- overall, it's been somewhat down for months, which she's acknowleged. Some of that, I can understand intellectually- she has to deal with thyroid and such, which tosses all the hormones & libido & feelings for a loop; but more than "just" that, she's not been wanting to play, and when we do, it's often felt perfunctory, sorta; rather as if, as in the olden-days, it's a duty she feels she needs to perform.

There are still times when that's completely not true, of course- but you sure can't figure out a pattern, or what brings it on. I have thought off and on that maybe she's been fooling around with someone again, and that's when she gets hot- but can't really see it somehow, doesn't exactly "feel" right.

So, I guess I was musing along the lines of different perceptions of the same circumstances, more than anything, and finding it interesting once again how two people in the same relationship, same times and places, can have feelings at such odds with one another. I'm going along thinking she's not interested, she's going along thinking it's *me* that's not interested, and neither one of us gets laid for ten day, hmmphf.

Then I started wondering, am I less interested than normal? It doesn't feel so, but perhaps it is me? Yet, I know I've tried, and brought it up a couple times (although just casually), and certainly there's been teasy-hinting wanting talk here and there, on both our parts- but hmmm... I guess I can't say, although I don't think I'm less interested. I'm not distracted by cybering, or sexting, or such- cuz that's not been happening either, while my lover is incommunicado... we were able to snatch one evening on the phone, but that isn't enough to make me "not want it" anyway, lol-

Sooo, I dunno, guess it's just what it is, and we'll have to get better again, at making ourselves clear when we want some :)