Musings

Hmm... this got stuck in draft, for some reason- was written back in May, so I'll put it up now, and then add the "today" entry so at least they're in order-written... or not, it wont let me do the order grrrr. Oh well!

Been a while since I've updated here, I guess I'll just put it down to "too much happening in life, to write about it all", or something. There are definitely times when I feel a need to write, and others that will just wait while I process and let things percolate; there have been several events that I'd put in the latter category, in the past few months. In fact I'm not really sure what I'm wanting to say about some of them, but I am feeling some need to write... so I'm gonna babble, lol. If you don't want to read babble, skip this; I will also note, but make no apology for, the tenses and pronoun shifts in the writing. Some are to the world, and some are addressed to a specific someone, and she knows who she is ;)


My darling and I have been together twice, since I last posted here; I flew to her, and we spent time in big tubs, making fantasies come true; binding her in shabari ropes, fucking her while my cock was wrapped in beads, pissing on each other, spanking and candles and all manner of sexy play.

The second trip, we shared a drive to distant cities. Beach walking, tears, and lots of "just holding", and attempts at pampering and caring-for, and dealing with very difficult emotions.

I'll be flying to her again, in a couple of weeks, to do my best to give her support and love, and to let her know I'm with her, for her, on her side at all times.

And as I'm writing, I think I'm figuring out why I needed to do so; it's because I want to let her know- let YOU know- that yes- I love, <3, am thrilled by our explorations in sex, sexuality, sensuality; I am fascinated by our learning about each other, and what I learn of myself in our relationship; I like being able to tell you things I've never confessed to *anyone*- and sometimes, not even myself- (Yes darling, I'm brave enough now to say out loud, right here, I'm interested in MMF sex, too- I want to explore that more, with you, and yes- I get turned on by remembering that you watched me lick and fondle a cock, and receive a blowjob as you held me).

But, despite all that, or maybe because of, or alongside, or whatever- it's the tears that you shed, and shared with me, that I could kiss, and taste. It's the hitch in your voice, and in your breathing, that you allowed me to hear; it's the trust you give to me, to be vulnerable with me, that deeply, totally moves and thrills me.

Trust in another is a wonderful thing, and to be given that level of trust, from you, is a gift that I cherish, and I am grateful for it; and despite any bad-times that are happening, the simple knowlege that you reach out to me, knowing that I'm going to love and care and listen and be your ear and your rock is the most profound gift you've given me, in all the plethora of gifts from you.

I've said these things before, I know- and probably just as badly expressed as here, but I'm not writing this in "edit mode"; no, this is "heart-mode", and I hope and pray you understand what I mean, and that you know you have me, as I have you; that you are my treasure and delight, and a constant source of joy, even when times are sad and hard and distant.

My darling, I love you so much, and want so badly for your happiness, that I can feel an ache inside me *for* you to have that; and I know that you're aware of my own feelings of "inadequacy" for "helping", (cuz I'm a guy, lol)... I do also want you to know that I'm more than pleased to just listen and be your sounding board, too.

Love you, more than ever, more than I can say, more than you even know-
D-